Cheating takes an old-school turn

Guess what? Mrs. Teacher is catching on to those cellular phone gadgets, and knows they shouldn’t be out during a test. It’s not that cheating via text (or in some cases, calling a friend in the same class) is plain stupid, it just isn’t classy. That’s why today, I’ll teach you to ace your next quiz, without studying. I haven’t done this, mainly because I’m too lazy. It takes a special type of lazy to put energy into being lazy.

Classy Cheating

• What are button-up shirts for? Buttoning up of course! Well, except the top button or two. Tape a cheat-sheet inside your shirt, look down, ace test.
• Got long sleeves? You know what to do. Be sure to wash it off after the test.
• Make a vocab poster. Put it on the wall nearest to you for decoration. Even better: sit near a bulletin board, tape vocab over top of existing papers.
• Place cheat sheet underneath the desk, between the wood of the desk and the metal bar supporting desk.
• Hack into school’s closed-circuit television system, run loop of cheat sheet on system. Take remote, turn on, hit “mute” and enjoy.
• Instead of sending a text message, compose a message, and then throw your phone at the nearest nerd. Make sure the nerd catches your phone.
• The Coca-Cola way: write the cheat sheet on the inside of a coke bottle wrapper, place back on coke bottle, sip to see answers. Place flat on table to cover-up.
• The Skittles method: this works with both Skittle and M&M’s. The person who wants an answer taps their pencil/stamps their feet/scratches their head with various fingers to indicate what question they want answered. Example: tap……tap,tap = 1+2 = question 12. Scratch head with two fingers + scratch with five fingers = question 25. You get the drift. The person giving the answer eats a Skittle/M&M of the predetermined color. Example: Red=A, Blue=B, Yellow=C… (On fill-in-the-blank tests, use the finger method. The person should respond with the finger method for numbers. Two fingers + five fingers = Answer is 25.)

Remember: If you are ever caught, always deny. Find a story and stick to it.

• Girls: Become emotional while denying. If the evidence is really against you, and it’s very important, you should be bawling all over the floor. Seriously. And I mean uncontrollably. Make those tears fall! Think of a dead family member, or imagine something drastic like your (beloved other/family) being taken hostage and beaten to death with a lead pipe, bleeding while you’re forced to watch. Okay, that’s a thought nobody wants to think about, so come up with your own (maybe you could practice crying the day before). Or better yet, carry a bottle of contact lens cleaner! Besides giving the teacher a distraction and allowing everyone else to cheat, your paper should be so wet it’s ungradable. If you’re not on your knees flooding the floor, it’s not that important.
• Guys: Deny. Become slightly emotional. Deny some more. Put effort into it. Only cry if it’s so important you won’t graduate/other something just as important. If you do, it’s worth a bit more than a girl crying!

Tags: Cheating, School